An update on my life....
A LOT has been going on. When it rains it pours. It all started the night Molls and I went to the UM home opener. I paid the lady to park and rolled up my car window in the Diamon Jubilee...and "crack". The motor that rolls the window up and down broke. The last time this happened about 4 years ago it cost me $400. Yikes! I was pissed to say the least. Especiallly since I had spent $400 just a couple weeks before to replace the shocks in the back. (The DJ had an extra special gangsta lean for a while.) So we are at the game, sitting in the student section. I have never experienced this before. I walked away disgusted. These kids were trashed and obnoxious! I don't think the guys we were sitting around even saw one play of the game. One guy even said, "I can't even see the field." This dude sitting right next to Mollie and I kept pulling people in from the aisle. There must have been a whole neighborhood stuffed in our row. Then he starts grinding on this girl basically on top of Mollie. Then he gets in a "fight" with this guy in the aisle. So he is standing directly behind me. Then he has one foot on the step and one on my chair...his butt was in my face if I turned around. He proceeds to drop an ENTIRE beer on top of my purse. He said nothing. I don't even think he realized he did it and I wasn't in the mood to pick a fight with a drunk dude...but boy did I want to punch him in the nuts. So I move my purse to be in front of me instead of under my seat. At half time I open it up to check my phones to make sure everything at the house is goingwell. My work phone will not turn on! Then I was really mad. A broken window and a broken cell phone....great! I make about $1,1000 a month so you can imagine how frustrating it is to have something like this happen. (p.s. I put the phone in rice overnight and it came back from the dead. PTL)
Since May I have been dealing with a rash on my hand. Well it has gotten worse. It was first through workman's comp because I thought it was possibly ringworm and several of my kids had ringworm. One doc said it wasn't, but my hand is still bad. I am currently using a cream and taking an oral medication. I go back on Monday and if it isn't better they are gonna have to do a biopsy. Now I am paying for things which isn't fun either. I do have health insurance, but every time i go to the Derm it's a $50 copay....so knowing that I spent all summer going every 2 weeks is not comforting when I think about having to pay for it now. Ahhhh!
(I took this in the bathroom at Panera...haha...the lighting was better in there)
I promise I am not writing to complain or to ask for pity....but I am letting you know some of the things that have made my life a little more difficult lately.
The past year has been an emotionally draining one. I am now at the point where I think it is time for me to leave my job as a houseparent. Last weekend I actually thought, "what if I just left." It has been rough lately. The kids behaviors have been especially difficult to deal with. I thought school starting would make things easier. I was wrong. It seems like God has slowly been bringing me to this point. I still haven't told my boss. I have to speak with him tomorrow. I think I am going to tell him I will work til either after Thanksgiving or after Christmas. I am emotionally drained. At church Sunday I was sitting in my chair during the break, the meet and greet time. My friend Angie was there. I told her that I felt like I needed to sit and stare at nothing for a loooong time. I had no energy to get up and even say hi to people. That for me was a wake up call. I have loved my job here and I have loved these children. People who do jobs like this have to have thick skin. You can't be an emotional wreck around these kids. But in doing that you don't get the opportunity to grieve what has happened to them nor what is happening in your own life, whatever it may be. It has gotten to be too much for me. Because I live there, I can't ever get away. I am essentially on call 24/7.
Events that have happened in the past year to drain me: Married Co-worker who asked me out and told me he liked me, a particularly personally painful experience with a mentor, Haiti earthquake and kids coming from there, a friend sharing with me her need to hurt herself stemming from severe abuse as an infant and child, the hand rash lasting sooo long, mice in my house and bedroom, and moving to a new house within my job. Mice and a hand rash may sound like petty things, but they have just added to the frustrations. I hear so many tragic stories with my kids and I have never grieved it. Lately I have felt like I need to spend 2 days crying. I don't cry very often, but when I do, I cry hard. I broke down in the doctor's office the other day with the stuff with my hand. Workman's comp was being VERY unhelpful and I was confused and frustrated. I felt like I was 7.
Now I am dealing with what to do next. I have to start looking for jobs and figure out where to live. I also need to buy a new car...the DJ is on her way out. I will do a post on that when she leaves with pictures. There is just so much on my mind of late. Your prayers would be much appreciated.
I am struggling with needing to leave the kids and feeling like I can't. I have made the mistake of thinking that I could save them. God is the one who was with them before I was and He will be with them when I go. It's just really hard to leave and believe that they will be ok. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to feel like I have given up on them. I am praying that in the next 2 months the kids I have had since May will move on.
When I first started I thought 2 years and then I would move on. Now that I am here, it's clearly time to go, but it is so hard. It is taking a lot of faith and trust in God. Belief that His plan for these kids' lives is much better than mine.
I was talking to my friend Kahleaf today (he spent some years in foster care). He said that if I am thinking about leaving a lot then I really do need to for the kids' sake. He said they pick up on things and if I am one of the few people they feel happy around then it's not good for them to see me thinking these things. It's easier to think of it like that, but also hard. When I think of leaving, I picture their little faces and I get so so sad.
Just imagine carrying around the weight of the abuse of 8 children. It's intense. I was reading the blue book for my 2 year old on Monday. A blue book contains all the documents since a child has come into care. He and his 4 siblings are with me because the mom's boyfriend was abusing the 2 year old....to the point that he was vomiting due to the trauma. The mom took him to the hospital when he started vomiting. He had bruises on the back of his legs and arms and the mom could not explain any of it. He is 2 years old and one of the cutest 2 year olds I have ever seen. How can you do that to him?????? It's ok to hear stories like this, but when you know the child and you care for them day in and day out.... How can I not cry? But I am so drained I can't....but I know I need to.
I think I have officially earned the title of "longest blog poster" for our little group. Sorry. I need to get these things out. This post feels very "all over the place" but it is therapeutic in a way for me. I'm trying my best to "Let go and let God." It's tough. I know my soul needs to be nourished, but I'm not even sure how to do that at this point. Any ideas?
I love you all and miss you all! I am so thankful for being able to stay connected with you all in this way.
-Kath
Kates, I really see and hear its time for a change in jobs. You wouldn't be leaving because you are running away or avoiding something. It sounds to me that you are mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. Your job is unique in that it requires all you and your life to do your job. Most people get to categorize their work life from family life, God time, self time, friends time, hobbies, etc. Your job mixes several of these and doesn't leave anytime for the others. The mixing and the lack of comparments of your life are taking its toll and its okay to seek change. Know that when you seek the change in your job, it is not that you don't care about the kids, rather you care about the kids so much that you see their need for a houseparent that can emotionally and mentally keep up with the heaviness of their lives (for such a long period of time). He sees their needs and God will provide another houseparent. He also sees your needs and will provide another door for you. He will give you the tools to make the change (wisdom, patience, understand, peace, strength, courage, and many more.)
ReplyDeleteI will definitely be thinking and praying for you. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
Julianna
Kath, I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way that you do. I can only imagine what it feels like to work w/ kids who come from bad situations. I know you love them like you're own and you of course can't help but take on their hurt and pain. I think that says a lot about you, in a good way. :) You're such a sweet and caring person. God placed you there for a reason, and if you think He's telling you that it's time for a change, of course you've gotta listen! :) Sometimes it's so hard to listen though. I think just keep doing what you're doing in reminding yourself that He was there before you were...and He'll be there after you leave.
ReplyDeleteI will pray that God will give you a smooth transition and that those precious children won't feel abandoned. In fact, I'll just pray like you said, that they'll all be gone by the time you leave.
I love you so much. I know this isn't easy, but I'm praying for you.
ALSO, I'll be praying for your paw. That looks nasty. : )
Mer