well, just recently, my sister got married to a guy named lorin. lorin is a decent enough guy, but he's like 3 years younger than my mom. weird, right? i mean, i guess if george clooney were to come knock, knock, knockin' on my door and ask me to marry him, i'd probably say HELLZ YEAH! (of course, only if i weren't already married) ...but i digress.
so, anyway, here's a little background on my sister's previous marriage to wes. he was/is a loser. L-7 WEENIE to say the least. basically he got them in debt so bad they had to declare bankruptcy. bad deal. after they divorced, my sister SWORE to my mom & i that she'd never end up w/ anyone who had financial problems again.
she was wrong.
lorin was previously married, has two kids (one who is around our age....) and i guess he's got some debt from his divorce still. there are liens out in his name, which means they're garnishing his wages until he pays them off, i suppose.
this was all okay & not really my sister's problem until...you guess it, they got married. now obviously, these debts are going to be on her as well. not so smart, sister!
i'm more upset that she decided to do this because of the kids. they were on state health care because my sister didn't make enough, so she was getting assistance. now, i'm assuming that they make enough between the both of them not to qualify for health care for the kids anymore.
i just don't understand her thought process. they've already been living together for 3 years, why all of a sudden decide to get married? oh, and i forgot to mention, they eloped. she called my mom & said, surprise, we got married! my poor mom was so caught off guard that her congrats didn't sound sincere at all.
anyway, this past year, my sister has said and done some really hurtful things to me. for example, while i was pregnant she told me that she thought pregnant women were ugly and that men don't think they're attractive {thankfully steve was there & told her off}. and up until elliot was born, she hadn't talked to me since christmas. {that's 3 months.} i'm over her.
is it wrong for me to just kind of "wash my hands" of her? she doesn't enrich my life in any way. i know she's my sister and all. but i don't enjoy spending time w/ her. she never has anything positive to say. and i can't stand the way she uses/treats my parents.
god has really blessed me with the best sister in law i could ask for. so in a way, i feel like betsy kind of replaces my own sister. she's more of a sister to me. she was w/ me all day while i was in labor, held my hand while they were putting the catheter in {grossss!}, has always been there to talk to when i needed her, and just a really great friend in general. i love being with her. i would honestly call her one of my best friends.
but anyway, this post is horribly long and probably just really difficult to follow. i have tons of thoughts floating in my head and they don't make much sense.
but i guess what i'm really wanting to know is, do you think it's bad that i don't really consider her my sister? i feel kind of guilty about it. i just don't know how to make our relationship better. she's so difficult to get close to {i've tried & tried so many times} when is it okay to give up?
mer
Here are my two cents: it's ok for you to take your distance from her. She is being verbally and emotionally abusive. She will always be your sister. God-willing she will hit rock bottom at some point and realize the mess she has made of things. At this point you need to have a conversation with her and let her know how she has hurt you and that she is not allowed back in until she recognizes it and apologizes. You should still pray for her, but that's all you can emotionally handle right now. Sometimes the best way you can love a person is by doing what is the hardest and telling them the truth. Don't enable her. Calling her out is really loving her in the end.
ReplyDeleteI love you Mer.
Even though a person might be family, especially blood family, does not always guarantee a relationship. We fortunately can choose who we have relationships. We also can choose who is apart of our lives and to what degree we allow them to be a part of our lives. If someone is verbally and emotionally abusive, if someone is negative and not uplifting, etc; its okay that we create space between them. Mer, its okay if you ask and create space between you and your sister. If your relationship with your sister now is harmful or unhealthy, I would encourage you to let her know you need some time and space to consider what kind of relationship you can give her. You need to accept that your sister is the way she is and you cannot assume or expect change of her. Yes, you can hope and pray for a difference, but If you continue to expect her to make smart decisions for herself, if you expect her to mother differently, if you expect her to be a different kind of sister than she really is, you will continue to get hurt, be frustrated, and it will be unhealthy for you. Frankly mer, she might never change. You have to be honest with yourself about that and allow yourself to relate different with her in light of that. I know, you guys are in pattern of relating to each other and its your norm, but if its unhealthy or harmful its okay if things change.
ReplyDeleteTBC... I am at a starbucks and need to leave. I will continue later.
p.s. Kevin's aunt nancy passed away suddenly yesterday and we are up at the farm for a week. Reception is bad for the computer internet... but not the iphone =). Pass the news and lift up the shafer family in your prayers.
p.s.s. the comment up above is by jules
ReplyDelete